I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Over a month. I could try to give you a million excuses about how busy our team has been, how I’ve been avoiding technology in order to better serve God, or how I couldn’t properly describe what was going on around me in a way that would do it justice.
I could tell you all of those things and, because I’m in a relationship with you (the reader), you would likely believe it and let me get away with not blogging. The thing is, however, none of that is true. I have chosen not to blog because I was lacking motivation. Even more so, I have been lacking motivation because teamlife has not been what I would call spectacular lately.
Sometimes we volunteer for things we think God is calling us to and we do them. Sometimes it works out great, sometimes it doesn’t. In the last post I wrote, I talked a lot about renewed focus. Since I told you that my focus was wrong and I was starting over with a deeper commitment to why I’m serving some days it has gone really, really well. However, some days it has not. I have had a hard time giving myself any grace in the matter and, as a result, some days on team have been really hard.
That’s not to say we haven’t had enjoyable moments! Event season is ridiculously fun and my favorite part of team programmatically so far. God works through young people, amazing event bands, and the coolest opportunities to draw us closer to him. As a team, we attended WinterJam and enjoyed music from a ton of Christian bands. We have had awesome host families that have provided for us, loved on us, and showed us the unconditional love of God here on Earth. We have been part of leading a lock-in, programs, and are spending our evening tonight on a college campus leading worship.
Even when team is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it’s teaching me how to live a better life as a Christian. So I haven’t been sharing because I’ve been struggling more some days. That’s real, though. It’s part of having faith. So I’m giving you that part of myself, too. I’m sharing it with you in as honest and real of a way as I can. Because even when life feels out of control, God knows the plan. He’s there, even when I want to go at it alone. His grace flows freely, despite my inability to accept the free gift. His call for me is beyond my human comprehension, but it’s still the call He gave me.
And I will rejoice and be glad in that, because, even if I push him away, God never lets me be on my own.